When happiness isn’t being with you anymore

Sometime in April or should I say,  a lot of times in April I frequently asked myself this one question “Am I still happy? (being with you, I mean)” and I realized that I can’t give Trina a straight answer. Then I ponder for a moment and think of the things that happened and ask another question, “Am I really happy?” by then I could answer it-NO.

I’ve always thought you were my happiness and I have told you that a lot times. But then I guess time passed by really quick and the idea of being happy just stuck in my mind but in reality the magic, the spark, the love and the happiness I so thought faded some June 2008 ago.  I regret the fact that I was with you again for the second time. I shouldn’t have answered the calls or replied to the text messages or let you enter the gate, but the past is over and I can’t bring it back. I regret being with you. Really. It’s not because I despise you or I hate you, it’s because I LOVE ME. I spent what? almost two years of my life trying to work things out with you while TRYING TO WORK THINGS OUT is not even in your dictionary. I hated you, yes I admit it. I hated you for cheating on me, for all the lies and stuff but that’s not the main reason why I regret being with you. For the last five months I realized some things. I could have done a lot of things if not for you. My greatest mistake was making you my world, and I regret that.

I don’t hate you now. I’ve forgiven you (for what the nth time?).  Its just that sometimes I get to see memories of you and me, and the happiness that I thought when we were together becomes a big question DID HE EVER REALLY LOVED ME? And for sure only you can answer but aside from the lies and cheating if you answered YES, I guess I’d be the dumbest girl if I get to believe that.

“…And its killing me to know that you’ll never gonna believe that.”

-Michael Scofield, Prison Break

Just Me. For Now.


*reposted blog*