Remembering Nana’s Day

Today is my grandma’s death anniversary. She died three years ago because of cervical cancer. Two years prior to her death she was diagnosed and was given only 6 months to live. The Lord has given her two more years to spend with us, her family. She spent her last days with us in the Philippines then going back and forth to America.

My grandma didn’t know she had cancer. Her sons and daughter never wanted her to know her real condition. I didn’t know if until her deathbed she was unaware. I wanted to tell her one time, but out of respect for mom I never did. I wanted to tell her because I wanted her to know how brave she is and that we are just here for her. I wanted to tell her how great she is for fighting this terrible disease for us.

I would never forget the day my granny died. Two days before that I went home to Manila for my oath taking ceremony. I hugged her and she told me I’d finally be a nurse and that she is proud me. She was so weak she was just lying, sleeping in bed the whole day. She spent days without eating. A few weeks ago when I saw my cancer patient Mama Holya died and how much she complained of pain even with just a little touch, I realized how much pain Nana had to endure. She never complained of pain although we knew she was in the worst pain ever during her last days. I salute her for that. She never wanted us to worry about her. She never wanted to be a burden and she was the best pretender. She would always smile and lie and tell us that she is okay.

It was around noon of October 3, 2007, a day after I finally become a nurse my grandma died a peaceful death while praying the rosary with mom, her sister and a priest. I never wanted to see her die. They told me it was peaceful and fast. I thanked God she never had to endure longer pain. She was ready and we had to let her go not because we have given up but because we also can’t endure the state she’s in. I went home to Ilocos immediately after that.

Nana and me years before she was diagnosed with cancer

I miss nana today. And I’m crying while writing this. At least I made her proud by having the letters RN attached to my name. I know that she is also proud with PJ (my cousin) right now because he is doing great at school. I know she’ll be prouder if she’d see all her grandchildren graduate and get a job and build a nice family. I love you Nana. Thank you for taking all the blows when mama used to hit me with a broom. Thank you for begging her to stop. Thank you for keeping the pots and pans shiny and new. Thank you for waking me up in the morning, for making the hot water and for every little thing you did for the whole family. If you are here today, you will be proud of us.:)  I love you nana, may you rest in peace.

Just Me. For Now.