To the ones who take us for granted

Everyone gets tired…eventually.

Today I had my first lecture in the hospital. Other than not being able to sleep the night before because of the preparations made for my slides, its the second time I cried really hard and felt helpless.

After the lecture when I was beginning to edit and review the action plans for the final draft to be submitted to the Accreditation Canada portal, Sir Russel mentioned that Bahaa is no longer the clinical facilitator in our unit. I was shocked and immediately realized that this may be from the random file check he did the other week. I called Bahaa in his office but I can’t reach him. I tried to call by phone but my credit balance is almost zero and I can’t connect. I felt uneasy or guilty maybe. I’m not sure. I tried to focus on finalizing the action plans but I still feel uncomfortable and finally decided to go and meet him in his office. He was not there. Joy told me he went to the cardiologist’s office, I went there but he is nowhere to be found. I went back to QM office and sat there in front of my computer, still stunned for what I just heard. I still can’t believe that I lost someone important in my team. Okay, so its not “MY” team because I’m not the leader but then again I owe this person so much and if possible I don’t want him to go.  When I made up my mind, I called up our director of nursing and told her I will go to her office. I guess I just thought of her as the appropriate outlet for the emotions that are about to burst. Out of nowhere before heading to Level 7 Tower 1, I went back to Bahaa’s office and finally saw him there. I knew I’d burst into tears if I see him and I DID. “Nakakainis ka bakit mo kami iniwan!” was the first line I said while I grabbed the tissue box and wiped my tears. He asked why I was crying and I kept on answering him in Tagalog though I know he wouldn’t understand. After a while he told his side of story. I listened, cried and sniffed. I wanted to hug him really. The reason maybe that I was also hurt that he is out of the team is because I never had a clinical facilitator when I was new. The senior nurses were the one who taught me. I was jealous of my batch mates back then because they had someone who taught them one on one basis. Unlike in the in-patient units I had to learn every thing on my own. I was happy that a clinical facilitator is again back in the unit because the juniors and the new nurses will have someone to rely on when they have questions. Bahaa may not be from the ICU but he won’t be a clinical facilitator for nothing. I fear for those incoming nurses that they would feel the same thing I did, experience the same thing we had. Its hard to be lost and alone especially if racism and seniority is rampant. Second reason would be, Bahaa can to the special education and training that our nurse manager can’t do. I can always rely on Bahaa, from translating our booklets to Arabic, to special education sessions and meetings even if he is not on duty anymore. As far as I remember, all the special requests I asked him were granted. I owe him too much and its just so sad to know that he had to leave our team. I know the team goes on even without me, but losing him as a member…Let’s just see what happens.

To Bahaa, thank you so much for everything you did for the team and for the unit. I do appreciate every little thing you did and I’m sorry this happened.

Just Me. For Now. Still Crying while typing the this line.


P.S. Thank you Miss Angie for believing in me. I needed that.:) Photo from here.